For the love in me that remains for you, I wish God never shows you the Truth.
The truth of who I am, of what I truly believe, of what I always for us tried to fight and search for.
Indeed, I wish you never see what I always felt deep in my heart, of how far I was willing to go.
Indeed, I wish you never understand why I always begged in desperation for a hope of a tomorrow.
Indeed, I wish you never understand the pains of all those goodbyes, distances, times away and apathy that I caused nothing for.
Indeed, I wish you never see the truth of the ways that you treated me, and how you left me so many times, and often I was left alone on the fringe of depression, suicide, sickness.
Indeed, I hope God never shows you how hurt, destroyed and hopeless I became after seeing the screenshots you sent me.
Indeed, I hope God never shows you that I never included any other person in our relationship, that I took it as something sacred, pure, untouchable, as the most important thing in my universe.
Before seeing the screenshots from that loser...
"He understands me more than you ever did..."
"Mouse character..."
"City needs a revolution"
Maybe I had hope in a small part of the world, but that took away everything from me.
It made me expect only death and destruction from everything around me.
Maybe for you, seeing that wouldn't hurt.
Maybe, it would be normal.
But that destroyed me.
That humiliated me in the most vile way possible.
That made me ashamed of myself, of what I was, of what I am.
It took all the value and identity I have of myself, made me believe I am true fool and idiot to ever think I could love someone.
But, yes, I know what you're thinking now...
I am just victimizing myself.
But...
Maybe there's a reason why I become sometimes sarcastic?
Maybe it's not that I am a rat? A disgusting person? An idiot?
...Maybe I'm trying to hide?
Hiding the pain and suffering of you broking me inside entirely?
Maybe I was desperate trying to show you who I am, that there is no vile in me, that I am here, Ive always been.
No, for you, I am just victimizing myself.
For you, I am "brainwashed", "victimizing", "disgusting sarcasm" "sea of shit", "rats", "stupid".
But... maybe... my heart was just broken.
Many times...
And maybe...
I'm just trying to survive
Fooling my own brain
Not to believe
In having no longer a reason to live.